...I thought maybe, if I decided to erase someone... I would be awake to help you and Haru if you had to do it again.
[...]
And... if you didn't have to, then it would be like you said - that maybe it would be better if it wasn't just your team earning points... as a backup, in case there were any accidents. [she takes a breath.] This should never have been on your shoulders alone.
I wanted to help, but I think I just made it all worse.
[she's so tired of always losing someone irreplaceable week after week.]
...Will you give everybody a hug for me, and tell them I miss them, and tell them that we tried?
And tell Simon I'm sorry. Because I am. No matter what he did, I was - I was wrong to do that to him. I knew it the second it happened at trial that it was bad.
I will. And I'll - I'll do my best to write to you, too.
[she doesn't want to just be... gone, without a trace. she doesn't want to leave ylfa here with one less bit of support, when she's lost so much and has taken such a heavy burden onto her shoulders already.]
...as Sumeru's deity, it's my job to protect Kaveh. But more than that... he's my friend. I can't let him die here. I just can't. [her eyes well up with tears.] And Shu is my friend, too. I don't want them to die.
...I guess we can't. [...] There isn't any changing what's going to happen tomorrow. If either of them is in there with me, I can't let them die.
And if it's not one of them, if it's someone else... [especially if it's someone from a two person team...] ...I don't want them to have to watch that, either.
[in some ways she envies nahida right now. it's not a nice emotion. but nahida can decide she's had enough and she's done enough, and it won't destroy someone else's chances. she can go be with people who don't need anything from her and won't hate her. she can go make her apologies openly, without having to worry if she's risking too much.]
...I'm glad that you get to protect them. You deserve that. No one should treat you like you aren't capable of making that decision, or that you have to be protected. You're Nahida. You're smart and brave.
[the thing is, she doesn't really feel like she's done enough. had enough - maybe. she's been sick of the cycle of violence that is the reaper's game for weeks. but there's so much more she feels like she should be trying to do, to be of help.
she doesn't want to just go and leave the responsibility for what happens in the end on someone else's shoulders, but the options right now are bleak. for one reason or another, anyone who could possibly end up in there with her tomorrow is someone she can't bring herself to harm.
she rubs at her eyes.]
...thank you, Ylfa. It doesn't really feel that way, but... I can tell you're saying what you believe, and I appreciate it.
[it hurts, to think nahida wouldn't believe her. she has been so, so wonderful. she has helped more than ylfa ever expected her to, and has cared about her, and been her friend, through so much.]
[it's just that nahida finds it hard to believe it, herself. if she was brave, she would have acted sooner. if she was smart, then she would have been able to better cover up what she did.
she's protecting her teammates and her friends from being erased, but she can't protect them from the heartache that her leaving them behind will cause. and she won't be there by their sides to support them as they move forward.]
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week 5; saturday
What happened...?
no subject
[...]
And... if you didn't have to, then it would be like you said - that maybe it would be better if it wasn't just your team earning points... as a backup, in case there were any accidents. [she takes a breath.] This should never have been on your shoulders alone.
I wanted to help, but I think I just made it all worse.
no subject
You didn't make anything worse. I think we messed up. We went after Simon, but I think it didn't work because another team got there first.
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...I thought Simon would have been you and Haru. [...] Who erased him, then...?
[well
maybe she will find out tomorrow.]
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[for no reason i can justify ic but anyway enjoy finding out tomorrow.]
It's not fair, Nahida. I don't want you to die.
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[well, she'll findo ut as long as no one cucks me]
...I don't want to leave you. I'm sorry, Ylfa.
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...Will you give everybody a hug for me, and tell them I miss them, and tell them that we tried?
And tell Simon I'm sorry. Because I am. No matter what he did, I was - I was wrong to do that to him. I knew it the second it happened at trial that it was bad.
no subject
I will. And I'll - I'll do my best to write to you, too.
[she doesn't want to just be... gone, without a trace. she doesn't want to leave ylfa here with one less bit of support, when she's lost so much and has taken such a heavy burden onto her shoulders already.]
...but I'll pass on your messages, I promise.
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You won't let Kaveh or Shu try to save you?
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...as Sumeru's deity, it's my job to protect Kaveh. But more than that... he's my friend. I can't let him die here. I just can't. [her eyes well up with tears.] And Shu is my friend, too. I don't want them to die.
[her voice breaks.]
I want them to live.
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her heart clenches uncomfortably at that.]
...I guess we can't. [...] There isn't any changing what's going to happen tomorrow. If either of them is in there with me, I can't let them die.
And if it's not one of them, if it's someone else... [especially if it's someone from a two person team...] ...I don't want them to have to watch that, either.
no subject
[in some ways she envies nahida right now. it's not a nice emotion. but nahida can decide she's had enough and she's done enough, and it won't destroy someone else's chances. she can go be with people who don't need anything from her and won't hate her. she can go make her apologies openly, without having to worry if she's risking too much.]
...I'm glad that you get to protect them. You deserve that. No one should treat you like you aren't capable of making that decision, or that you have to be protected. You're Nahida. You're smart and brave.
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she doesn't want to just go and leave the responsibility for what happens in the end on someone else's shoulders, but the options right now are bleak. for one reason or another, anyone who could possibly end up in there with her tomorrow is someone she can't bring herself to harm.
she rubs at her eyes.]
...thank you, Ylfa. It doesn't really feel that way, but... I can tell you're saying what you believe, and I appreciate it.
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[it hurts, to think nahida wouldn't believe her. she has been so, so wonderful. she has helped more than ylfa ever expected her to, and has cared about her, and been her friend, through so much.]
no subject
[it's just that nahida finds it hard to believe it, herself. if she was brave, she would have acted sooner. if she was smart, then she would have been able to better cover up what she did.
she's protecting her teammates and her friends from being erased, but she can't protect them from the heartache that her leaving them behind will cause. and she won't be there by their sides to support them as they move forward.]
I just... I wish I could.