...in some loops, I was... infected. And in those loops, I used what I knew of the others to manipulate them into doing what I wanted. I convinced Kaveh to sacrifice himself. I tricked Buzen into revealing something he shouldn't have, and then I killed him, so that Matsui would want to give up. And when he was gone, and we outnumbered the humans on the ship, I killed them all and we went on to eradicate humanity... or we would have, if there wasn't another loop.
[...]
They trusted me, and I used that trust to hurt them all. Over, and over, and over again.
[i was joking about nahida having to erase all humans ever......
Rang's brow furrows as he listens, because he'd been expecting something terrible for sure, and there it is -- the explanation. all of what nahida's done, over and over.]
...they were going to leave me. So I... [...she shakes her head] I didn't understand what had happened at first. But... everyone on the ship. I slaughtered them. I strangled them with the roots of Irminsul and absorbed everything they were so that they could never leave me.
[she takes a deep breath.
I'm capable of that. I've already gotten more attached to individuals than I was ever supposed to, as an Archon.]
[He's only heard a little about Irminsul from Nahida, but... he can see how -- the sheer horror of it would overwhelm her. Using something that she was in charge of protecting to kill those under her care?
but at the same time, They're under your care. How can you not get attached?]
You're capable of it. [he'll agree. she's a god who's lived so many years, what isn't she capable of?] But you've never once prioritized your own desires over anyone else's.
If they wanted to leave, then you would let them without even asking them if they would stay. That's the kind of person you are, Nahida.
[the way we all abandoned pcs for party games... comes running back now that things are winding down
...anyway.
he says that like he's so very sure of it - that's the kind of person you are. she wishes that she could be as sure, but her faith in herself - in her ability to be selfless, rather than selfish - has been shaken after so many loops where she acted on her worst desires while under the influence of the gnos.
it's hard not to internalize it, when you can follow every single thread of logic that you used to justify your actions.
her eyes well up with tears and she looks down at her feet.]
[THE WAY I WAS GONNA SLEEP EARLY AND IM STILL HERE
I'll think it right now. He knows that isn't what she means, but maybe his voice will linger longer than the ones in her thoughts.
I've seen the gods be obsessed and selfish. I've seen the kind who want nothing more than their followers to devote themselves to them forever, and then lash out when they look away. You're not like them. Even the life you've taken here, you did it for the sake of everyone, for the sake of the world of the person you erased. And then you accepted her anger, even though you did it for her.]
I've always told you exactly what I've thought of you, haven't I?
okay she fully bursts into tears at that, but she also hugs him, which like. that's progress? it means she is not trying to run off and lock herself into some other hotel room where no one can find her?]
Rang is clearly surprised by the way he freezes up, he brings his arms up either side of her like he's forgotten how to hug people?
And maybe he has? It's been a very long time. ...But his time in the game has, at least, made him more used to close contact from people who don't mean him harm. He rests his hands, one on the top of her head and the other on her back.
He doesn't say or think that it's okay, or that it'll be okay. his own traumas are still with him, after all. all he can think of to do right now is to hold Nahida close, and let her cry.]
...none of this is okay right now. and while it might be okay in the future, she simply can't think about the future at the moment; trying to, it feels like her entire brain just turns to static.
it takes her a bit of time before she stops crying, but when she does, she loosens her arms from around him so he can pull back if he's uncomfortable with the hug.]
she seems surprised by this, but settles into the carry easily enough.]
Um... I was thinking maybe a room a few floors down from the top, about a fourth of the way down the hall. I thought if people were looking for me they would check the furthest rooms first, so it'd be easier to hide there...
[You're my friend. I want to remember everything I can about you.]
...it's okay if you come back. [...] I promise I won't run away.
[it's hard to be around the others, feeling the way she does about how she's capable of hurting people, how she manipulated people, and how she might still do so again in the future, but -
he'll be honest with her. he has always been honest with her. it's easier to accept it from him, when he says that it will be okay, because if it wasn't - she's sure he would tell her, instead of trying to spare her feelings.]
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I know what you're capable of too. You said as much to me, all those weeks ago.
[You're the god of wisdom. You sacrificed your power for your nation.]
What did you do on the ship? Because I know erasing humans would have hurt you, but not like this.
[now if nahida had to ERASE ALL HUMANS EVER...!!!!]
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[...]
They trusted me, and I used that trust to hurt them all. Over, and over, and over again.
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Rang's brow furrows as he listens, because he'd been expecting something terrible for sure, and there it is -- the explanation. all of what nahida's done, over and over.]
...What do you mean by infected?
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[...]
In other loops, I wasn't, but I couldn't protect anyone.
[And in another, I...
...that thought is drowned out by the overlapping, staticky voices.]
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[...]
When your people were infected by the Forbidden Knowledge, were they responsible for what they did while under its influence?
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No, of course they weren't.
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[It wasn't you.]
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the whispered, overlapping voices start up again, though, and almost but not quite manage to drown out -
But there was a loop where I killed them all when I wasn't infected.]
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He moves to the side so that he's not blocking her way, kneeling down so he can meet her eye level.
What happened?]
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...they were going to leave me. So I... [...she shakes her head] I didn't understand what had happened at first. But... everyone on the ship. I slaughtered them. I strangled them with the roots of Irminsul and absorbed everything they were so that they could never leave me.
[she takes a deep breath.
I'm capable of that. I've already gotten more attached to individuals than I was ever supposed to, as an Archon.]
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but at the same time, They're under your care. How can you not get attached?]
You're capable of it. [he'll agree. she's a god who's lived so many years, what isn't she capable of?] But you've never once prioritized your own desires over anyone else's.
If they wanted to leave, then you would let them without even asking them if they would stay. That's the kind of person you are, Nahida.
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...anyway.
he says that like he's so very sure of it - that's the kind of person you are. she wishes that she could be as sure, but her faith in herself - in her ability to be selfless, rather than selfish - has been shaken after so many loops where she acted on her worst desires while under the influence of the gnos.
it's hard not to internalize it, when you can follow every single thread of logic that you used to justify your actions.
her eyes well up with tears and she looks down at her feet.]
...you really think that?
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I'll think it right now. He knows that isn't what she means, but maybe his voice will linger longer than the ones in her thoughts.
I've seen the gods be obsessed and selfish. I've seen the kind who want nothing more than their followers to devote themselves to them forever, and then lash out when they look away. You're not like them. Even the life you've taken here, you did it for the sake of everyone, for the sake of the world of the person you erased. And then you accepted her anger, even though you did it for her.]
I've always told you exactly what I've thought of you, haven't I?
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okay she fully bursts into tears at that, but she also hugs him, which like. that's progress? it means she is not trying to run off and lock herself into some other hotel room where no one can find her?]
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Rang is clearly surprised by the way he freezes up, he brings his arms up either side of her like he's forgotten how to hug people?
And maybe he has? It's been a very long time. ...But his time in the game has, at least, made him more used to close contact from people who don't mean him harm. He rests his hands, one on the top of her head and the other on her back.
He doesn't say or think that it's okay, or that it'll be okay. his own traumas are still with him, after all. all he can think of to do right now is to hold Nahida close, and let her cry.]
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...none of this is okay right now. and while it might be okay in the future, she simply can't think about the future at the moment; trying to, it feels like her entire brain just turns to static.
it takes her a bit of time before she stops crying, but when she does, she loosens her arms from around him so he can pull back if he's uncomfortable with the hug.]
...thank you.
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moves to scoop her up into a carry, one hand reaching for her belongings.]
Just point, and I'll take you to whichever room you want to go.
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she seems surprised by this, but settles into the carry easily enough.]
Um... I was thinking maybe a room a few floors down from the top, about a fourth of the way down the hall. I thought if people were looking for me they would check the furthest rooms first, so it'd be easier to hide there...
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[his tone is amused as he starts heading toward the stairs,]
I promise not to let anyone else know, though it'd be smarter if you switched rooms after I leave.
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[she manages a small smile.]
You've promised not to let anyone know, so I'll trust you.
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maybe because it's the first time in a while someone's referred to the creature he is in a positive way,]
I like that you remembered. [You always do.] Of course, I never said that I wouldn't come back to check on you...
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[You're my friend. I want to remember everything I can about you.]
...it's okay if you come back. [...] I promise I won't run away.
[it's hard to be around the others, feeling the way she does about how she's capable of hurting people, how she manipulated people, and how she might still do so again in the future, but -
he'll be honest with her. he has always been honest with her. it's easier to accept it from him, when he says that it will be okay, because if it wasn't - she's sure he would tell her, instead of trying to spare her feelings.]
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Rang continues carrying Nahida to their destination,]
It's a deal then.
[for rang who always doubts promises, he thinks he can extend that trust to nahida.]
You and Shenhe are the only ones who've called me a friend, you know.
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Really?
[???]
That's surprising...
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Is it really?
[A lot of people don't like me, and for good reason.]
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