...come on, let's go for a walk. Moving around might help to clear your head... talking about it might, too. I'd be more than glad to provide a listening ear.
The... hypocrisy, I think is probably the right word, of what we witnessed today. Everyone should know that none of this is what anyone has asked for, so why...
[ alex nods, and it takes her a moment to figure out how much to say or what to say or even how she feels about it at all. ]
It's... I get being emotional when you lose someone. Not like I wouldn't react the same way, probably. But it's hard to—it's hard to watch someone go in on someone like that when we know they're just... trapped by the game.
I understand that, too. He experienced a deep, cutting loss. So it makes sense that he wants to know the truth.
[she understands that completely, honestly. knowing what happened - knowing all the facts, taking in that knowledge - for her, it's like a burning need, just because of who she is as a person. how much more strongly must that fire burn in luo wenzhou, who lost someone he loved? in nahri, who lost someone she cared deeply for? or in eiden, gyuhyuk, and kyoko, who also lost a teammate? in yuzuriha and netzach, and in amelia, livio, and simon?]
...but this isn't the sort of mystery where the motive is as clear-cut as "the culprit is someone who chose to do this, with full freedom to make that choice". In this Game, it feels as though many of our choices have been taken away from us.
I would have expected everyone to understand that by now, especially the teams of people who have been forced to act already. I guess... there's still a lot about human emotion that I still don't understand.
Not everything in this world is ruled by logic and rationality. I have to remind myself of that a lot...
[she puts a hand over her heart.]
...especially when my feelings get the better of me, too. [...] But I don't think it's something any of us can help but struggle with.
For what it's worth... I don't think you're a hypocrite. I think all along you've tried very hard to consider all the aspects of this situation. It's normal to feel frustrated after that, when there's so little we can do to change the way things are.
There aren't any teams that don't have someone I like on them. So if I could just turn off the emotions, I could just go with whoever is guilty. Because why not.
But—I don't want to do that. So.
I don't know. Like I said, if it was someone I cared about, I'd want to catch who did it, too.
The way these trials are... it's a recipe for emotional upset. Putting us in close quarters with each other and telling us we only have nine hours to identify a culprit, knowing what's going to happen to someone from the team we vote for the very next day? There's no way anyone could be completely calm, even if they looked like they were on the outside.
[she sighs.]
...and it's like you said. There are so many people on the teams that we all get along with. Everyone who gets erased is somebody's friend, and everyone who is a potential culprit is somebody's friend. You want to catch the people who did it, but you also want to protect the people who are important to you, even if they might have done something that other people can't forgive.
Turning off the way we feel... even if it were possible, I don't know that it would help. Because that flip would get switched back on, eventually. Maybe even when we least expect it. And what would happen when all those feelings came rushing back in?
[nahida shakes her head slowly]
All this to say... I don't really know what to do about it. Not taking part isn't an option, but perpetuating all of this feels bad.
Many things are like that. When you take a step back and observe it objectively... it's like a knot. Give a little tug here or there, and it all comes unwraveled very easily.
But to those stuck inside of the knot, like we are - it's hard to see where those tugs need to happen. Instead, we struggle in the middle of it, and those struggles make it tighten around us.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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You wanna get away from the edge?
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...how are you holding up?
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...come on, let's go for a walk. Moving around might help to clear your head... talking about it might, too. I'd be more than glad to provide a listening ear.
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but she shrugs a little loosely. ]
I've got nothing good to say right now.
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[walking, walking]
...I'm willing to listen if you'd prefer to get it off your chest.
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[she gives alex's hand a light squeeze]
...would it help to know that I'm angry, too?
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Who're you mad at? Or, maybe it's just a "what"?
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[quietly:]
The... hypocrisy, I think is probably the right word, of what we witnessed today. Everyone should know that none of this is what anyone has asked for, so why...
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It's... I get being emotional when you lose someone. Not like I wouldn't react the same way, probably. But it's hard to—it's hard to watch someone go in on someone like that when we know they're just... trapped by the game.
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[she understands that completely, honestly. knowing what happened - knowing all the facts, taking in that knowledge - for her, it's like a burning need, just because of who she is as a person. how much more strongly must that fire burn in luo wenzhou, who lost someone he loved? in nahri, who lost someone she cared deeply for? or in eiden, gyuhyuk, and kyoko, who also lost a teammate? in yuzuriha and netzach, and in amelia, livio, and simon?]
...but this isn't the sort of mystery where the motive is as clear-cut as "the culprit is someone who chose to do this, with full freedom to make that choice". In this Game, it feels as though many of our choices have been taken away from us.
I would have expected everyone to understand that by now, especially the teams of people who have been forced to act already. I guess... there's still a lot about human emotion that I still don't understand.
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Yeah, human emotions are a lot. They're stupid and—irrational. But we need them.
... Complaining about it makes me feel like a hypocrite is all. I guess.
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[she puts a hand over her heart.]
...especially when my feelings get the better of me, too. [...] But I don't think it's something any of us can help but struggle with.
For what it's worth... I don't think you're a hypocrite. I think all along you've tried very hard to consider all the aspects of this situation. It's normal to feel frustrated after that, when there's so little we can do to change the way things are.
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There aren't any teams that don't have someone I like on them. So if I could just turn off the emotions, I could just go with whoever is guilty. Because why not.
But—I don't want to do that. So.
I don't know. Like I said, if it was someone I cared about, I'd want to catch who did it, too.
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[she sighs.]
...and it's like you said. There are so many people on the teams that we all get along with. Everyone who gets erased is somebody's friend, and everyone who is a potential culprit is somebody's friend. You want to catch the people who did it, but you also want to protect the people who are important to you, even if they might have done something that other people can't forgive.
Turning off the way we feel... even if it were possible, I don't know that it would help. Because that flip would get switched back on, eventually. Maybe even when we least expect it. And what would happen when all those feelings came rushing back in?
[nahida shakes her head slowly]
All this to say... I don't really know what to do about it. Not taking part isn't an option, but perpetuating all of this feels bad.
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So it's just inevitable that trials will get worse and worse, because they'll just keep going like this with everyone's feelings escalating.
[ a sigh. ]
It's... when you calm down and look at it like that, it sounds simple.
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But to those stuck inside of the knot, like we are - it's hard to see where those tugs need to happen. Instead, we struggle in the middle of it, and those struggles make it tighten around us.
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[ hm. ]
... Yeah. But there's nothing to do but keep struggling.
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[she tilts her head to one side.]
Mhm. We can't just stay still and wait for someone else to unravel it for us.
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... But yeah, no, I wanna do it myself. Somehow.
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