Tree spirits. They don't usually show themselves to anyone, but they're supposed to bring good luck and keep the area around them growing. I don't know if they'd have songs, though.
[ something about that... he looks at the ground, frowning. ]
Then, maybe not. [ ... ] I haven't been able to play since I got back. Just looking at my guitar makes me think of what happened in the game.
[well, that explains why he's not at the music store.
she reaches over for one of his hands.]
...I think if they were here, then, they would help you find a way to pursue your dreams without that pain. [...] Do you think it would help to talk about it?
[ he's old enough to know that he probably wouldn't be able to, if he somehow came across one. ]
...I don't know. It's just that I know none of it was real, but it felt real enough that it's hard to forget. [ but it's nahida. kazuki trusts her, so he takes a deep breath and tries to explain. ] After the reset, we had different lives than we started with in the game. I was a famous musician in a band with Isshiki-san, and Akito was composing music for us. Even my family was supporting me - Ichika and our parents. It was like an impossible dream come true.
They have in the past. And, sometimes... people who grew out of seeing them, and forgot about the time they spent with them, have become able to see them again and go on to make more memories with them. They can reveal themselves to people they trust.
[and she's very, very sure that they would trust kazuki.
she listens to his explanation of what happened and holds onto his hand gently.]
...that sounds like it was a very nice way to start it off. [but her brow is furrowed - it makes her angry to think that this place would take kazuki's dreams and twist them to use them against him like this.] So it must have been extremely jarring... to associate it with the other things that happened.
Those people sound pretty lucky. I hate to think about having to forget a friend at all, but at least they get the chance to meet them and be friends again.
It was nice. It was great. I was actually happy. [ it does make him smile, a little, to remember that feeling. having recognition and support from the people he cares about... that's all he ever really wanted. it was nice, to have a taste of it.
the smile won't remain for long, though. ] The thing is, I knew it couldn't last. Or if I wanted it to, there had to be some kind of sacrifice. Amelia told me that it was the same for her, too.
In this life, I had a friend who lived next door. [ it might sound like a non sequitur, but he continues. ] We'd known each other since we were little kids, did everything together, practically lived at each other's houses. Ichika would always cook enough for her, and ask how she was doing on the days she didn't come over.
But lately, she'd been acting really weird. Tired, or distant, and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong no matter how many times I asked. It was really strange, for her.
When I came home that day, she was in my room. She kept saying that she had to leave, because it was what's best for me - for everyone. And... she pulled out a knife and tried to kill herself right there. I tried to stop her, but... it didn't matter. She still died, in the end.
She was the sacrifice I needed to keep my dream. [ ... ] Alex was.
this game needs an actual therapist, the cyoas keep leading to trauma. which is, like, the point, but still. nahida is furious - that it's used both his dreams and his friendships to hurt him. it wouldn't have worked if they weren't both so important to him, and that's the worst part. because, even after that experience is over... he still has to live with the pain of it, and the memory of it is bound to haunt him.]
...I'm sorry, Kazuki. That must have been terrible to see. [maybe seeing alex alive and well had helped, once he'd gotten back and was no longer dissociating, but - now they all have to live with the dread of knowing they're the last four-person team remaining and thursday night is fast approaching.] Especially since... that's not a sacrifice you would have wanted to make.
It wasn't. I think, if it really came down to that... as much as it would hurt, I'd give up my dream. I don't want it if it comes at the cost of someone's life. That's not how it should be. It's not worth it.
[ especially not if it means losing someone he cares about as much as he'd cared about alex, in that life. ]
I know it wasn't real. But even know, looking at my guitar after that, knowing she died for my dream... It still hurts.
...that's because you're an empathetic person. Looking at terrible things like that and being okay with it isn't in your nature, and that's... a very good thing. The world needs people like you in it. I've always thought that.
[...]
I don't know how to make it stop hurting when you look at your guitar. Pain isn't something that anyone can just say "I've had enough of this now" about and turn it off... but... it's very sad to know that something that brought you and the others who listened to your music so much joy is causing you pain now.
[ honestly if he could turn it off by his own choice, kazuki would deeply consider it. he probably wouldn't, in the end, but it would be nice to have the option. ]
...I know I can't leave it forever. I won't. I still don't want to give up on my dream. Maybe now, more than ever, I should be trying even harder to make sure I don't need to give up anyone I care about for it. I just... don't know how to get there yet.
...you're still in the middle of your journey. But although it may hurt right now, and although it may feel like you're walking down a long and unknowable road, it isn't a road that you're walking alone. We'll be here to help you figure it out as you go.
Just take it one day at a time. And... be kind to yourself.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ something about that... he looks at the ground, frowning. ]
Then, maybe not. [ ... ] I haven't been able to play since I got back. Just looking at my guitar makes me think of what happened in the game.
no subject
[well, that explains why he's not at the music store.
she reaches over for one of his hands.]
...I think if they were here, then, they would help you find a way to pursue your dreams without that pain. [...] Do you think it would help to talk about it?
no subject
Can they help someone who can't see them?
[ he's old enough to know that he probably wouldn't be able to, if he somehow came across one. ]
...I don't know. It's just that I know none of it was real, but it felt real enough that it's hard to forget. [ but it's nahida. kazuki trusts her, so he takes a deep breath and tries to explain. ] After the reset, we had different lives than we started with in the game. I was a famous musician in a band with Isshiki-san, and Akito was composing music for us. Even my family was supporting me - Ichika and our parents. It was like an impossible dream come true.
no subject
[and she's very, very sure that they would trust kazuki.
she listens to his explanation of what happened and holds onto his hand gently.]
...that sounds like it was a very nice way to start it off. [but her brow is furrowed - it makes her angry to think that this place would take kazuki's dreams and twist them to use them against him like this.] So it must have been extremely jarring... to associate it with the other things that happened.
no subject
It was nice. It was great. I was actually happy. [ it does make him smile, a little, to remember that feeling. having recognition and support from the people he cares about... that's all he ever really wanted. it was nice, to have a taste of it.
the smile won't remain for long, though. ] The thing is, I knew it couldn't last. Or if I wanted it to, there had to be some kind of sacrifice. Amelia told me that it was the same for her, too.
no subject
[oh no.
:( ]
...what was it that you were expected to sacrifice?
cw: suicide.
In this life, I had a friend who lived next door. [ it might sound like a non sequitur, but he continues. ] We'd known each other since we were little kids, did everything together, practically lived at each other's houses. Ichika would always cook enough for her, and ask how she was doing on the days she didn't come over.
But lately, she'd been acting really weird. Tired, or distant, and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong no matter how many times I asked. It was really strange, for her.
When I came home that day, she was in my room. She kept saying that she had to leave, because it was what's best for me - for everyone. And... she pulled out a knife and tried to kill herself right there. I tried to stop her, but... it didn't matter. She still died, in the end.
She was the sacrifice I needed to keep my dream. [ ... ] Alex was.
no subject
this game needs an actual therapist, the cyoas keep leading to trauma. which is, like, the point, but still. nahida is furious - that it's used both his dreams and his friendships to hurt him. it wouldn't have worked if they weren't both so important to him, and that's the worst part. because, even after that experience is over... he still has to live with the pain of it, and the memory of it is bound to haunt him.]
...I'm sorry, Kazuki. That must have been terrible to see. [maybe seeing alex alive and well had helped, once he'd gotten back and was no longer dissociating, but - now they all have to live with the dread of knowing they're the last four-person team remaining and thursday night is fast approaching.] Especially since... that's not a sacrifice you would have wanted to make.
[he'd said it, after all - i tried to stop her.]
no subject
[ especially not if it means losing someone he cares about as much as he'd cared about alex, in that life. ]
I know it wasn't real. But even know, looking at my guitar after that, knowing she died for my dream... It still hurts.
no subject
she gives his hand a little squeeze.]
...that's because you're an empathetic person. Looking at terrible things like that and being okay with it isn't in your nature, and that's... a very good thing. The world needs people like you in it. I've always thought that.
[...]
I don't know how to make it stop hurting when you look at your guitar. Pain isn't something that anyone can just say "I've had enough of this now" about and turn it off... but... it's very sad to know that something that brought you and the others who listened to your music so much joy is causing you pain now.
no subject
[ honestly if he could turn it off by his own choice, kazuki would deeply consider it. he probably wouldn't, in the end, but it would be nice to have the option. ]
...I know I can't leave it forever. I won't. I still don't want to give up on my dream. Maybe now, more than ever, I should be trying even harder to make sure I don't need to give up anyone I care about for it. I just... don't know how to get there yet.
no subject
[her voice is very gentle.]
...you're still in the middle of your journey. But although it may hurt right now, and although it may feel like you're walking down a long and unknowable road, it isn't a road that you're walking alone. We'll be here to help you figure it out as you go.
Just take it one day at a time. And... be kind to yourself.